Surviving Suicide Series: Robin giving my mom some peace?

Like so many, I am also very saddened by the loss of the GREAT Robin Williams; however, am I surprised?  Nope.  I see my brother when I look into Robin’s eyes whenever a photo of him appears.

My brother was funny and his laugh was HONESTLY contagious too yet he hung himself to death.

And in a warped way I hope my mommy is seeing all this on tv & getting strength from it all – a wonderful man’s being remembered, a man who shocked the world yesterday as all thought he was genuinely happy because he told jokes.  I hope my mom sees that suicide hasn’t any boundaries – she didn’t fail her child.  Just like her son who hung himself on 9/1/11, no one is immune, NO ONE!  Nor is it her fault.  Fault lies on the person who gave-up on all who loved him!

In the way I pray for my brother, I pray for Robin – you have your right to live your life as you wish.  Tis sad though that they hurt so many in the process.  But that’s human-nature folks!

Next time you THINK someone is fine, listen to your gut and react – but tis they and ONLY them who has to feel it deeeeeeeply inside themselves, the courage, the confidence to go on.  Don’t over-coddle them either, it causes them to feel weak & not in power.  Just be positive!  Don’t knock people!  Don’t purposely hurt them!  The pain you inflict you think an “I’m sorry” will erase but deep-down that person will live their ENTIRE lives hurting.

I know Heaven is cracking-up today … and my brother & sister in the front row … I can almost hear my brother’s laughter, honestly!

My thoughts & prayers to his loved ones left behind as his grand-children, great grand-children who’ll never know him.  BUT it was  HIS and ONLY his choice – that’s the HARDEST part for the survivors – he didn’t love them enough to try harder.  (yep, from experience I speak that – experience folks)

Hugs …

 

Mellen

HERE’S TO 2014 – MY Year!

And I hope you make it YOUR year too — seize it, embrace it and fill it with nothing but positivity!  JUST DO IT!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, M’FRIENDS!

#HugsAndHappyHunting …

Mellen

EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: Watching my mother slowly letting go

This morning I awakened sad!

I’m sad I’m watching my elderly mom slowly perish KNOWING it won’t be long (PRAYING I’M WRONG!). She’s ‘staying’ with me for a bit. We’ve a bed downstairs for her and are trying to make her feel as ‘at home’ as we can, but she knows, this ain’t home. Her son, who just committed suicide there, stole that from her! So she lays around — rarely crying (so NOT long like my mom), simply numb! She leans forward with her head bent slightly down as if she’s praying – constantly! She’s letting go and I KNOW IT!

I’m so mad at my brother for doing this to her! And, as a parent, I COMPLETELY understand ‘why’. I couldn’t imagine finding one of my sons hanging, dead and then struggling to get him down & then back to breathing. I too would NEVER forget that ‘sight’, so I cannot & do not hold that against her.

So here I sit facing having to say good-bye to my mom!!! It’s a feeling a daughter just knows! Even as I pen this in the room adjacent to the one she’s in, tears are silently POURING down my face. HOW NOT FAIR IS LIFE!! I’m NOT READY to let her go!!! She’s spent so much of her life doting on ‘them’ (the others in our family) and not with me. I want to take my mom to so many places – I’ve so many things I want to share with her … they’re never going to be, this I know (hoping, again, I’m wrong, fear naught). She’s given her life to HELP OTHERS and in the meantime didn’t notice the youngest whose life IS ‘normal’ reaching-out in need. Not the need to HELP her, the need of a relationship! I read a lot of people whose mom/dad travel alongside them or simply meet-up for dinner … not mine! She’s turned-into a ‘homebody’ whose sole responsibility is to take care of the ‘others’ — when ironically those ‘others’ can take care of themselves!

My mom is the type of person who MUST be ‘in need’! Because she’s dedicated herself to those she THINKS needs her, she’s turned a blind eye toward the one who she THINKS is a’ok! I’m lost! I’m scared! I pain so greatly for her I cannot put into words how much I hurt inside – to the point I just want to vomit! Yet, she sees ME as a rock while the others, who DO NOT share these feelings, await her return. And, in the end, when she’s gone … I’ll be the most lost! Oh irony!

I pray this blog proves me wrong – OH HOW I PRAY!

UPDATES: We’ve been through the 2-hour (can’t move) open-ended CT scan and will be meeting with her doctor Monday. Tuesday we’re off for another CT scan regarding her bone density. I FEAR her broken back isn’t ‘just’ a broken back … she’s not any better, not one bit! She’s moments but overall she’s NOT better!

She mentioned last night how she’s going to return to her (very smoke-filled) home and I begged her to reconsider. But, it’s her life … one helluva life to boot … who am I to TELL her what to do! All I can do is be as gentle as I can with her, lifting her up along the very sad path she’s on, holding close to faith that one day we’ll share Heaven and THERE we’ll have our lunches, we’ll go ‘see’ those places I’ve always wanted to take her to see! There everything will be ok!

*HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR LOVED ONES TODAY?*

Hugs …

Mellen

Emotional Rollercoaster: denial, apathy – whatever works!

Here it is over a week since my brother’s suicide yet I’m coping. Odd, considering how vicious I’ve taken my sister’s death which occurred four-years ago.

For her, I cried endlessly! I laid in bed for months! I lost my Will to live!

Yet, for my brother, I seem ‘distant’. Although I have had some ‘moments’, I am not paining as I did when I lost her.

Is it because I ‘dried up’ inside?

Is it because of the different circumstances surrounding their deaths (although they were quite similar, mind you)?

Or, am I in denial … and it’s planning on hitting me like a boulder come this weekend when his memorial is planned?

OR, … [tis what I believe] … maybe it’s my, without forethought, chosing to be stronger to aid my EXTREMELY fragile mom!

Although my outward actions aren’t showing devastation at this time, my heart is broken nonetheless! It’s still too surreal my brother is gone, and by his own hands – so quickly!

Regardless, I’ve PROMISED myself (and others) — my ‘dying’ in their wake won’t bring them back. I’ve witnessed not only how fast someone can be swept away from you but also how fast time flies. I MUST focus on my life as a mother, wife and daughter. I MUST stay strong. I’ve lost ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TIME with my sons already as a result of losing my sister – I cannot deprive them again.

Tis sad when you have to sit your young children down and tell them how although they don’t remember, but their mom used to be a happy person, filled with excitement about the possibilities life offered. HUGE WAKE-UP CALL!!!

So, for those who are worried … please do NOT let it be in MY regard; however, there’s a WONDERFUL woman, my HERO, who IS in need and that’s my mommy, Dorothy Kolvet! As well as two young women whose father was just ripped away from them who are trying to make sense of it all. PLEASE keep THEM in your thoughts & prayers – I’m going to be ok. I PROMISE!

Helps I’ve a FIRM affirmation in life hereafter and KNOW my family, who are no longer with me in the flesh, ARE watching over me from beyond! I KNOW we shall be reunited when God dictates! And although I weep inside for yet another loss, I’ve a short time in human-form retrospectly and that I REFUSE to take lightly ANYMORE!

**HUG YOUR LOVED ONES DAILY!**

Hugs …

Mellen