EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: Woe is me, woe is me!

This website was started for me as a means to express my feelings as well as share paranormal tidbits (such as theories, evidence, lore …); however, the more I grow the more I blog personal issues. And yep, this is yet another personal entry. *Beware*

I’m unable to get into the holiday mood. Plus it’s getting harder and harder to hold-back my tears. Our family holidays are winding down, to an end. I no longer have a sister to share them with. Now my brother is also gone. My heart pains for my mom as she sits creating her Christmas present list with so lil’ left to buy for. How hard that must be for her, a mom! I have to run out of the room often to burst into tears. Plus we’ve that CT scan of her lung in January and WITH ALL MY HEART & SOUL I PRAY I’M WRONG but I fear it’s lung cancer … so this is probably my last Christmas with her too!

I reflect back upon my younger years. Sure they weren’t the most festive nor pleasant — we were a dysfuntional bunch with a tight budget but we loved each other deeply! Boy, I thought life then was ‘tragic’, ah ha ha … couldn’t have been further from the truth! I cannot express to you, my readers, to embrace EVERY moment you have with those you love! Let MY LIFE’S JOURNEY be your lesson as to why!

Working double after double after double to make ends meet is also tearing me down but if I don’t, we don’t eat! Didn’t help I severly cut my finger last week at work so now I’m trying to overcome my fear of the knife. My back is aching worse than ever yet was told nothing can be done to remedy the issues. And I ‘sense’ my Crohn’s is readying for a flair-up for I can feel tummy pains that remind me of the early 90s when I was whisked off to surgery with a blocked intestine. Sadly though I cannot go to the doctor, I’ve a son who is facing oral surgery soon of which we’ll have to pay for entirely. Then, right after, he’s off to college. I know, take care of me first … but I cannot! I won’t! NOTHING can heal me and he’s my legacy — there’s no question.

Even though I want to embrace this Christmas all I can, I am looking forward to the holiday season to be in the past! It pains me to read of others spending joyful time with their families (I’m green with envy, m’friends, no fear) when we’ve barely any left and even then there’s nothing to smile about. It’s more like a funeral.

I’ve lost so many friends … well, I should write, people I THOUGHT were my friends. As trying times came my way or I refused to pay their ways, they scrammed like roaches when you flick a light on! And those who HAVE stood by me are PRECIOUS! They know I’m here and when I’ve good days vs. bad ones! They love me, they forgive me, they truly worry for me — I’m so blessed to have y’all and feel disappointed I haven’t been the fun luvin’ ‘me’ for so long now and luv me even when I take weeks/months to reply to emails, texts or phonecalls!

I’m tired of mean people too! They’re cruel, selfish, arrogant and downright UGLY inside! Saddest part, ‘they’ are cruel to JUST ME because I wrote a blog of which I did NOT mean them yet they took it as I did. I wrote to clear the air but ‘they’ refused to listen! In turn, I’m now the black sheep so I’m no longer welcome. I stay home while my immediate family goes and celebrates Christmas with my ‘other’ family of over 2-decades. Sad, they never realized how happy I was to see each of them; finally I was to have a father, another sister … they never noticed because they cannot relate for experience is the best teacher and LUCKY FOR THEM they’re BLESSED to have a ‘normal’ life, being spared the wretched heart ache I’ve endured. So again Christmas eve morning I’m home alone. And before you ask, nope they don’t get me gifts either, everyone else does just not me. All over a SILLY misunderstanding! How sad, how sad!

I also wanted to add …

Although I know I’ve MANY friends who are thinking of me, I’ve never felt more alone! My husband, children, mom and family are trying to reach-out to me but, being honest here, I do not see ANY bright lights in my future! I feel as if life has passed me by as I was being a rock for everyone else! Here I am OLD and I’m reflecting back upon nothingness! I’ve NOTHING in regards to accomplishments to be proud of aside from my 2 sons (who I hope leave me and start beautiful families of their own).

I always dreamed I’d do something ‘big’ with my life yet now, after this last birthday, I no longer have that hope. My ‘imagination’ is gone. My passion for life is gone. My ambition is gone. My dreams are gone. I’m growing older & older fast and it’s showing inside & out! I hope God gives me the strength to make it through this next year and then some as I’m not ready to leave my children yet. Truly don’t know if that’s going to happen. When I talk about the future, I talk about how to raise the kids, my dreams for THEM and what I’d like done at my funeral. No where is there the inkling of good things, no where. I’ve given up… God HAS forgotten me! (don’t worry, I’m not losing my religion as I know He’s a LOT of people in need and can only do so much for so many … and there are MILLIONS in worse shoes than mine)

I know this is a slapped together entry, but I write what I feel as I feel it … and this is it, how I feel at this very moment! Thank you for trying to follow this — I’m on the fly as I’ve another blog to pen in regard to my mom’s recent paranormal experience (at the home my brother committed suicide) – *stay tuned*.

*HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR LOVED ONES TODAY?*

Hugs …

Mellen

EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: holidays, schmolidays!

I remember vaguely what the holidays were like after losing my sister in July of 2007; they weren’t festive but they weren’t like reliving her funeral over & over again as they are now. Now, that my brother committed suicide. It cannot be because we loved her less — it must be because his is so recent, right?

We have our tree up and are establishing new traditions with hopes to help ME, yea me, get back to living again yet here I lay in my bed at 2 pm crying alone. Am I manically depressed person? Do I need more meds? Do I need locked-up? Or, is this NORMAL considering what I’ve been through my ENTIRE life?!

My mom, my mom, my mom … I love her so yet she doesn’t feel as if OUR home can be hers (she doesn’t speak it, as her daughter I feel it). I pain for her so greatly it consumes me!

EVERY SINGLE DAY I CRY AND SCREAM IN PRAYER TO GOD TO NOT TAKE ANYONE AWAY FROM ME TODAY! I cannot find ‘how’ to live my life without that kind of fear anymore! Lord, I miss being a young child (despite I had already lost my dad).

The few close friends I have left have FOUGHT to be just that, my friends! They’ve NEVER given-up on me! They’ve never made FUN of me! They’ve listened patiently, lent me a shoulder or ear to cry, they’ve been there — I LOVE YOU GUYS, you know who you are! And to think I thought that those back-stabbing, snake, liars were my ‘evils’, ah ha ha — y’all mean NOTHING in comparison to what is TRULY important in life, LIFE ITSELF (get one, might I suggest!).

I’m working my arse off, double after double after double and I’m proud of my beaten-down self. Financially, of course we need it but it’s moreso to give me a reason to ‘live’ to give me a reason to see ‘hope’ to give me a reason to get ‘out’!

Yet, I live my days SCARED AS HELL!

Wishin’ this would stop. Wishin’ I could have my memory erased, sadly enough. I just want to SMILE AND LAUGH GENUINELY AGAIN! I want to hug because I just want to, not because it’s to hold myself up!

And my poor sons … my talented, brillant, excellently behaved young men … pains me to watch them see their mom, a FRACTION of herself, struggling and bouncing around with emotions! Poor guys, they’re probably petrified of marriage … marrying a female like their mom … surely they know I’m NOT normal, this life I’m living is NOT a NORMAL one and that most have joy to celebrate!

I miss the time when I was an angel beside the Lil’ Drummer Boy in our school’s play! I miss choraling alongside my friends going door-to-door and the look on the residents’ faces as few continued that tradition even back then! I miss smiling when I see ornamental decor throughout the land! But mostly, I miss looking forward to the future! All I’ve in front of me is the impending death of my mom, my ill and LAST LIVING SIBLING brother’s health, my sons flying the coop, my husband working endless hours, and a bed that calls my name more than anyone else does!

Yea, this is a ‘woe is me’ blog … but ya know, I feel it’s just deserved! ANYONE who’s endured what I have and NOT feel this way, has to be the strongest person ever! I bow down to you!!!!

*Have you hugged your loved ones today?*

Hugs …

Mellen