Surviving Suicide Series: Robin giving my mom some peace?

Like so many, I am also very saddened by the loss of the GREAT Robin Williams; however, am I surprised?  Nope.  I see my brother when I look into Robin’s eyes whenever a photo of him appears.

My brother was funny and his laugh was HONESTLY contagious too yet he hung himself to death.

And in a warped way I hope my mommy is seeing all this on tv & getting strength from it all – a wonderful man’s being remembered, a man who shocked the world yesterday as all thought he was genuinely happy because he told jokes.  I hope my mom sees that suicide hasn’t any boundaries – she didn’t fail her child.  Just like her son who hung himself on 9/1/11, no one is immune, NO ONE!  Nor is it her fault.  Fault lies on the person who gave-up on all who loved him!

In the way I pray for my brother, I pray for Robin – you have your right to live your life as you wish.  Tis sad though that they hurt so many in the process.  But that’s human-nature folks!

Next time you THINK someone is fine, listen to your gut and react – but tis they and ONLY them who has to feel it deeeeeeeply inside themselves, the courage, the confidence to go on.  Don’t over-coddle them either, it causes them to feel weak & not in power.  Just be positive!  Don’t knock people!  Don’t purposely hurt them!  The pain you inflict you think an “I’m sorry” will erase but deep-down that person will live their ENTIRE lives hurting.

I know Heaven is cracking-up today … and my brother & sister in the front row … I can almost hear my brother’s laughter, honestly!

My thoughts & prayers to his loved ones left behind as his grand-children, great grand-children who’ll never know him.  BUT it was  HIS and ONLY his choice – that’s the HARDEST part for the survivors – he didn’t love them enough to try harder.  (yep, from experience I speak that – experience folks)

Hugs …

 

Mellen

EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: New evidence discovered, death certificate applied for

Finally I had the talk with my niece in regards to her discovery of my brother; she was the FIRST one to discover his lifeless hanging body and screamed for help. Today I asked her questions about those moments; how did he look, his appearance, was he still or was he swinging? And I asked about his eyes, I needed to know about his eyes.

She calmly told me moments before she went out to check on him, she heard a ‘crash’ [now she’s deducing that was the chair he kicked-over]. Moments later she opened the garage door to check on him. His body was facing toward the garage’s south wall but it was at an angle his face was in full-view of the door way. She told me that his face did not look traumatized, his head leaning to the side but down, his eyes were almost closed, and only a slight trace of froth alongside this lips’ corner had formed — “Honestly Mary Ellen, he looked peaceful,” she said.

She also told me how it unfolded. She opened the door and screamed. My brother & mom ran to her and the 3 of them together held him up & cut him down. Then once the noose was removed, my mom began pounding on Robbie’s chest with hopes to get his heart back to beating to no avail. Then Brittany started CPR and it was then she noticed the lack of support normal bodies have in their necks.

I know it’s odd that it’s been a few months since his death and we’re just now asking these questions between each other but in truth, tis really like being in shock! However after today’s talk, I’m VERY curious … knowing it’ll help soften the burden of guilt that is consuming her, I hope I can honestly tell my mom, with evidence, her son died instantly and no matter if she had rushed in there 2-seconds after he’d kicked that chair it’d still been too late … he had broken his neck, painlessly he left this existance. Sure it won’t bring him back but as a parent and her child, I just know that people just has to know these things in order to accept and move on. Plus, before hearing of all this today, I have sat up many sleepless nights, crying, envisioning my brother choking and reaching-out for someone to save him simply for him to die. I worried he did but didn’t want to, ya know? I VERY much want to put those visions to rest forever! HE WAS A VERY CRAFTY HANDY MAN … so if his neck broke instantly, that’s because HE made it happen that way to do what HE wanted and least painful!

So it’s with high hopes I pen this entry as well as the envelope to mail … a completed application, attached copy of my credentials, and attached a check because in tomorrow’s outgoing mail to the Indiana Department of Vitals!

I will pen more in his regard after what we truly NEED to know arrives.

*HAVE U HUGGED YOUR LOVED ONES TODAY?*

Hugs …

Mellen

P.S.: His ex-wife with whom he was estranged at the time of his death has a copy, I’m sure. And, although we’re truly trying to maintain a level-of-respect & communicate in his honor with her so I know she’d most likely share this with me if I only would ask. But, I’d like to do it myself, and see it with my own eyes.