Emotional Rollercoaster: denial, apathy – whatever works!

Here it is over a week since my brother’s suicide yet I’m coping. Odd, considering how vicious I’ve taken my sister’s death which occurred four-years ago.

For her, I cried endlessly! I laid in bed for months! I lost my Will to live!

Yet, for my brother, I seem ‘distant’. Although I have had some ‘moments’, I am not paining as I did when I lost her.

Is it because I ‘dried up’ inside?

Is it because of the different circumstances surrounding their deaths (although they were quite similar, mind you)?

Or, am I in denial … and it’s planning on hitting me like a boulder come this weekend when his memorial is planned?

OR, … [tis what I believe] … maybe it’s my, without forethought, chosing to be stronger to aid my EXTREMELY fragile mom!

Although my outward actions aren’t showing devastation at this time, my heart is broken nonetheless! It’s still too surreal my brother is gone, and by his own hands – so quickly!

Regardless, I’ve PROMISED myself (and others) — my ‘dying’ in their wake won’t bring them back. I’ve witnessed not only how fast someone can be swept away from you but also how fast time flies. I MUST focus on my life as a mother, wife and daughter. I MUST stay strong. I’ve lost ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TIME with my sons already as a result of losing my sister – I cannot deprive them again.

Tis sad when you have to sit your young children down and tell them how although they don’t remember, but their mom used to be a happy person, filled with excitement about the possibilities life offered. HUGE WAKE-UP CALL!!!

So, for those who are worried … please do NOT let it be in MY regard; however, there’s a WONDERFUL woman, my HERO, who IS in need and that’s my mommy, Dorothy Kolvet! As well as two young women whose father was just ripped away from them who are trying to make sense of it all. PLEASE keep THEM in your thoughts & prayers – I’m going to be ok. I PROMISE!

Helps I’ve a FIRM affirmation in life hereafter and KNOW my family, who are no longer with me in the flesh, ARE watching over me from beyond! I KNOW we shall be reunited when God dictates! And although I weep inside for yet another loss, I’ve a short time in human-form retrospectly and that I REFUSE to take lightly ANYMORE!


Hugs …