“Mary Ellen, are you listening? It’s me, Roxanne. It’s time Sissy!”

Coincidences don’t just happen; well, at least I don’t believe they do.

Although it’s been almost 5-years since I last saw my sister, spoke to her, smelled her perfume, embraced her … she dominated my thoughts one day this past week.  I couldn’t shake ‘her’ despite I tried considering the amount of time it’s taken me to let go knowing once that first tear fell a river would then awaken.  Yet, she ‘stayed’ there in my thoughts.   As to distract my thoughts I began to search the internet for something, ANYTHING, that would ‘stop that flow’ for I’ve cried so long now.

I searched ‘patios’.

I searched old friends.

I searched about raising our newly adopted puppy.

I searched news, celebrity gossip … read my emails, played my online games, commented on posts, wished friends happy birthday yet there she was, STILL in my thoughts, nagging at me.

So, then, out-of-the-blue I searched her love … a man who she deeply loved until the last breath she took.

This man was just a boy when they fell-in-love and her a woman.  He hadn’t had the best life; struggled living on the streets despite he was still of a VERY young age.  Sadly, over the years life hardened him and a troubled man he became.  Their relationship wasn’t the epitome of poster perfect relations but she loved him with all of her being!  Then, one day, as life usually dictates, they parted ways for trouble had found him again.  For the next few years, over a thousand miles then separated them; without her to compass him, trouble found him and he was given time for his repeated petty crimes and slowly they stopped communicating.

Even more years passed by but slowly they became long-distanced pen pals.  She kept telling everyone how much they still cared for each other and how he was going to return when he could to marry her.  Many, including myself, shook their head in disbelief wondering why she held-on to such an unpromising future with such a trouble man.  I remember it wasn’t often she’d receive communication from him but when she did, she’d carry his letter with her until the folds were torn and a print-out of his face in her wallet.

Repeatedly she told us he was coming for her.

As before, we shook our heads as my sister was living in her imagination.

But even that stopped on July 6, 2007 … she was gone!

I remember the day she died as I was sitting in shock atop her car awaiting the coroner, of all the thoughts that ran through my head that day he came to my mind.  One included how do you tell a troubled person as he such a tragic tale when that person was trying to reform, to find some sort of good in life … a life that had beaten him down was all he’d ever known.  So, I didn’t write that day.  Nor did I write the next week … month … and year.  I asked others to write in my stead yet it never happened.  It’s not as if he could write her, shortly after her death her home was gone, literally.  So I let it lie for in an odd way, I envied him.  He was living thinking she was waiting for him … she was alive in someone … what a wonderful feeling that was – SHE WAS ALIVE!  So why write?  Why tell and sadden another?  For what reason?  She’s NEVER coming back!  So although I had things put away to share with him, they were never sent.

Time passed …

Years passed …

Although I checked on him periodically during that time, those actions grew more infrequent.  Selfishly, trying to ‘let my sister go’ and ‘move on’ were dominating my thoughts — my health needed the respite, I’d suffered tremendously enough already.

But, the now ‘stronger’ me searched to this past week to find he’d been released!  I sighed.  I remember when I closed-out that webpage for the last time this past week, I spoke a prayer for him.  I asked for God to reach-out and help this now grown man who I knew one day soon would search and find she’d passed-on … hoping he wouldn’t resent us for not writing … hoping he’d understand the reasons why for nothing was bringing her back to us and in my heart I knew that his unknowing meant within him she still was alive.

It wasn’t but a bit later my mother’s phone rang early in the morning.  My sister’s daughter answered it.  The phone is listed under my brother’s name so when she answered a ‘stranger’ introduced himself as “an old family friend”.  The elementary-aged child he remembered was now the woman he spoke to.  In tears she told him how her mother had died.

Although my sister no longer is alive in his heart, the love for her is and that whimsical dreamer we thought she to be died.

For, HE CAME LOOKING FOR HER; just as she knew he would!

I hope he forgives us for not writing; and, he holds dearly the few memories I DO have stored away in his honor!

And, I hope SHE forgives US for not believing in her!

Color all this coincidence if you’d like; but, I know that day my sister returned to whisper her name in both our ears!


Hugs …








EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: Which direction did they go?

So I wrote previously how I’m holding-on to faith to see me through – but that’s ME … curious about my brother, my sister, my (from HS) best friend, and my dad.

Where do people who either commit blantant suicide as well as disregard STRICT warnings of impending death and die as a result go?

Where do people who questioned whether there’s a God go?

I cannot fathom, my dad who did debate ‘God’, God being unloving and casting him aside for being human!

I cannot fathom God casting my brother away because he too was human!

I cannot fathom God casting my sister away because she was human!

And, worst of all, I cannot fathom MY God casting my best friend who committed suicide at the NAIVE age of only 16 because she was human!

My God is a forgiving God; it promises us that in the Bible. It was preached to us during my brother’s services. YET, during that ‘service’ we were told a sin is a sin is a sin and as long as you’ve Jesus in your heart, you’ll be allowed into Heaven.

So, like, if Hitler asked Jesus into this heart as he was taking that pill he entered Heaven and my dad didn’t? I FIND THAT PREPOSTEROUSLY unacceptable!

Nothing personal, God, but I believe this is some serious proof many of your ‘followers’ are misinterpreting your Words. Yes, we should believe Jesus was our savior but surely even God has ‘limits’ – and my not telling small children their grandfather hung himself (a lie, in the eyes of God, mind you) will put ME in the same ‘boat’ as Hitler! Nahhhhh, sorry, will not buy into that!

I DO NOT believe all sins are equal – and I guess, according to those preaching, I need to ask God for forgiveness in that regard; but I’m human and refuse to believe God can’t see through into people’s souls to find whether the deep is truly good (and to me, THAT IS ALL THAT TRULY COUNTS!).


Peace & hugs …