EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: Watching my mother slowly letting go

This morning I awakened sad!

I’m sad I’m watching my elderly mom slowly perish KNOWING it won’t be long (PRAYING I’M WRONG!). She’s ‘staying’ with me for a bit. We’ve a bed downstairs for her and are trying to make her feel as ‘at home’ as we can, but she knows, this ain’t home. Her son, who just committed suicide there, stole that from her! So she lays around — rarely crying (so NOT long like my mom), simply numb! She leans forward with her head bent slightly down as if she’s praying – constantly! She’s letting go and I KNOW IT!

I’m so mad at my brother for doing this to her! And, as a parent, I COMPLETELY understand ‘why’. I couldn’t imagine finding one of my sons hanging, dead and then struggling to get him down & then back to breathing. I too would NEVER forget that ‘sight’, so I cannot & do not hold that against her.

So here I sit facing having to say good-bye to my mom!!! It’s a feeling a daughter just knows! Even as I pen this in the room adjacent to the one she’s in, tears are silently POURING down my face. HOW NOT FAIR IS LIFE!! I’m NOT READY to let her go!!! She’s spent so much of her life doting on ‘them’ (the others in our family) and not with me. I want to take my mom to so many places – I’ve so many things I want to share with her … they’re never going to be, this I know (hoping, again, I’m wrong, fear naught). She’s given her life to HELP OTHERS and in the meantime didn’t notice the youngest whose life IS ‘normal’ reaching-out in need. Not the need to HELP her, the need of a relationship! I read a lot of people whose mom/dad travel alongside them or simply meet-up for dinner … not mine! She’s turned-into a ‘homebody’ whose sole responsibility is to take care of the ‘others’ — when ironically those ‘others’ can take care of themselves!

My mom is the type of person who MUST be ‘in need’! Because she’s dedicated herself to those she THINKS needs her, she’s turned a blind eye toward the one who she THINKS is a’ok! I’m lost! I’m scared! I pain so greatly for her I cannot put into words how much I hurt inside – to the point I just want to vomit! Yet, she sees ME as a rock while the others, who DO NOT share these feelings, await her return. And, in the end, when she’s gone … I’ll be the most lost! Oh irony!

I pray this blog proves me wrong – OH HOW I PRAY!

UPDATES: We’ve been through the 2-hour (can’t move) open-ended CT scan and will be meeting with her doctor Monday. Tuesday we’re off for another CT scan regarding her bone density. I FEAR her broken back isn’t ‘just’ a broken back … she’s not any better, not one bit! She’s moments but overall she’s NOT better!

She mentioned last night how she’s going to return to her (very smoke-filled) home and I begged her to reconsider. But, it’s her life … one helluva life to boot … who am I to TELL her what to do! All I can do is be as gentle as I can with her, lifting her up along the very sad path she’s on, holding close to faith that one day we’ll share Heaven and THERE we’ll have our lunches, we’ll go ‘see’ those places I’ve always wanted to take her to see! There everything will be ok!


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