I know, by experience, that when you’re a suicide survivor — the one left behind — every emotion possible finds its way into your head.

So yea, I’ve had moments I’ve been sad, mad, melancholy, happy, afraid, worried, as well as had emotionally drained.

Although it’s not up to me, I wish this ‘rollercoaster’ of a life would slow down.

My kids are growing-up overnight! My oldest son will be going off to college in less than 2-years. I think about how my mom just lost HER son — one, who years ago she thought was ‘just about to …’, as well and frankly it FRIGHTENS the hell out of me! But I have to let-go, let HIM go … it’s my purpose in life, right?

The time with my mom is EXTREMELY limited. This I KNOW, not just because she’s lost yet another child but because I’ve had the honor of her spending a week with us. I’ve watched her. I’ve studied her. I’ve heard her. What I’ve learned is – she’s hiding the fact she’s truly giving-up! She’s up to about 2 packs of cigarettes a day despite she’s COPD and with a stent from heart attacks. Her reasoning, which I cannot argue as a fellow parent: “I don’t want to out-live another one of my kids”. So I KNOW her time is winding down. I hear her in her sleep over the monitor gasping for breaths-of-air throughout the night. Sad she cannot she the GOOD that’s here worth living for yet compassionately understand her HORRIFIC sadness (I don’t EVER want to know). Who am I to judge? So yea, we’ve a ‘set up’ for her in our warm garage and tis there where she smokes and smokes and smokes away.

How is one supposed to feel in a situation as I am in?

My brother is gone … my ONLY sister is gone! I’m TRYING to find joy in life but don’t let my ‘facade’ fool ya — with EVERY breath I take, I’m fret with worry!

My living brother (knocking-on-wood) isn’t poster-perfect healthy; he’s a (small) stroke survivor. He’s ‘holed’ himself up in a room for almost 6-years. We MUST get him out and help him find a job. I say HELP because when people have been away from that environment for SO long, it IS scary to return! I’ve 4.0’ed some law and medicine yet I was scared — couldn’t imagine being someone recovering, unsure if they can drive for he’s been too afraid to try. So yes, ‘WE’ are going to find him employment — ‘WE’ have to for he CANNOT depend upon my mother much longer (with hopes I’m writing that as a moment she can be proud of while she’s living, mind you). He’s her ‘caregiver’ when I’m not … he has been for MANY years … he’s much like my dad, so my mom shares. Not a party’er, THANK GOD! (sorry y’all but after you bury TWO siblings from the ‘party’ crowd, it sucks the life out of whatever makes partying fun, just sayin’!)

Sorry this is so random & scattered … I’m simply sad this morning and want to let it out before the day begins with hopes I can change it.

I’m also upset my brother’s death has caused division in our family. His daughter, where ever her head is, wasn’t thinking rationally and ‘attacked’ my integrity (hence my previous blog in her honor). My feelings are hurt because I MISS HER! She USED to be my friend – another one bites the dust, I guess. Friends … whatta joke! They use you! They walk on you! They make up LIES about you! They rejoice in your demise (most of which THEY create)! And those friends of mine who ARE TRULY MY FRIENDS, know how much I love and appreciate them! But what this niece doesn’t know or well I should put, has forgotten, is that I’m NOTHING like she’s conveying me to be. She wanted her father’s bicycle; grandma is so upset with her, she’s wanting to give it to a stranger. BUT, I reminded my mom we promised her and to her that bike WILL go (even if I have to store it 10-years before I can get it to her). Although I’m HEARTBROKEN she’d imply I’d steal from her, I’m the better person (and deep-down I KNOW she KNOWS that).

My other niece, her sister, (being FULLY open & honest here) has been MANDATED to enter rehab! BEST THING TO HAPPEN IN A VERY LONG TIME! Not shocking either – hello, but their dad HUNG himself … no wonder these two are messed-up inside!

Also, my brother wasn’t always the nicest person but I love him and will until the day I die! I’m sad HIS life’s choices weren’t in positive directions though. Mom’s car is sitting outside my house broken-down; sure wish our Mr. Fix-it were still here. [she misses you so much Robbie, you were her buddy — how could you have done something like this to her, of ALL people, after ALL she’s done for you?]

As you can tell, I’m an emotional wreck this morning (as I penned earlier). But like I told my mom when I finally got to share some of these blogs with her, writing is therapeudic for me. Some don’t get ‘it’, others do. Some think writing the TRUTH for the world to share is ‘unconventional’; however, in MY opinion … I’m hoping one person at the end of their life’s rope reads these and realizes the pain they leave in their wake when they take the COWARD’S way out of this existance and change that path!