Surviving Suicide Series: Robin giving my mom some peace?

Like so many, I am also very saddened by the loss of the GREAT Robin Williams; however, am I surprised?  Nope.  I see my brother when I look into Robin’s eyes whenever a photo of him appears.

My brother was funny and his laugh was HONESTLY contagious too yet he hung himself to death.

And in a warped way I hope my mommy is seeing all this on tv & getting strength from it all – a wonderful man’s being remembered, a man who shocked the world yesterday as all thought he was genuinely happy because he told jokes.  I hope my mom sees that suicide hasn’t any boundaries – she didn’t fail her child.  Just like her son who hung himself on 9/1/11, no one is immune, NO ONE!  Nor is it her fault.  Fault lies on the person who gave-up on all who loved him!

In the way I pray for my brother, I pray for Robin – you have your right to live your life as you wish.  Tis sad though that they hurt so many in the process.  But that’s human-nature folks!

Next time you THINK someone is fine, listen to your gut and react – but tis they and ONLY them who has to feel it deeeeeeeply inside themselves, the courage, the confidence to go on.  Don’t over-coddle them either, it causes them to feel weak & not in power.  Just be positive!  Don’t knock people!  Don’t purposely hurt them!  The pain you inflict you think an “I’m sorry” will erase but deep-down that person will live their ENTIRE lives hurting.

I know Heaven is cracking-up today … and my brother & sister in the front row … I can almost hear my brother’s laughter, honestly!

My thoughts & prayers to his loved ones left behind as his grand-children, great grand-children who’ll never know him.  BUT it was  HIS and ONLY his choice – that’s the HARDEST part for the survivors – he didn’t love them enough to try harder.  (yep, from experience I speak that – experience folks)

Hugs …

 

Mellen

Lions, Tigers & Shadow people, OH MY!

My mother spent the night at her home where my brother committed suicide despite she’s now living elsewhere, with us. During the night she experienced the oddest ‘dream’ despite when she told me it was so ‘real’!

She saw a black mass in ‘human’ form hovering in the corner of her bedroom; a person but all in black, even the eyes were blackened. Awakening from a VERY deep & medicated sleep she thought it was my niece who lives with her so she called out to it by her name demanding she get down before she hurt herself. It obeyed and leapt down but then oddly it stumbled over my dad’s old trunk at the foot of her bed. I asked her how she felt when all of this happened and she told me she was frightened. Hmmm ….

That is what SHE told me the next morning on the phone and here’s the true tale I shared with her immediately …

The home where this occurred to her is where my brother committed suicide as well as was the home to my husband and I of which we purchased 15-years ago. There we raised our two sons until moving to our current home. During our life there odd things happened but I dismissed them for paranormal activity around me was normal. It wasn’t until when my oldest was about 5 I truly began to realize the severity of the activity, though. My then-very-young-son told me then how a “ball of light” was flying around his head so he threw it out his window; about the young boy who continually begging him to allow him to play along; and about the shadow FAMILY who lived in his closet — a dad, mom, young son his age, and a toddler. One night he told me he heard the mom whisper to the young son, “shhh, you’ll wake Bobby”! This is when I started getting in touch with paranormalist to gain an understanding as to what what going on. I mean I had an idea but talking shadows and balls of light were new to me. I discovered, as many of you have, that ghost hunting groups were popping-up all around the world. I contacted a group but was hesitant to let just anyone in my home so I started to attend their monthly meetings … got hooked, took-on titled positions for a few years yet never in that time did I ‘officially’ have an investigation done in this home.

As many of you, my readers, have read my living-brother has been experiencing a lot in that home since so much so a man of 46-years sleeps with his light on. My niece also has seen unexplanable things. And all, including my mom, have heard LOUD rappings on the doors.

And before you wonder, yes I plan on investigating the home once my mom, brother and niece move-out. I don’t want to ‘upset’ anything. However, I have rethought my blessing of the home because I TRULY FEAR ‘something’ may follow me here, to our new home. I’m not a seasoned ‘house cleaner’ so tis probably for the best! Hoping whoever buys the home are brave, spiritually knowledgeable souls. (or maybe whatever is going on is doing so JUST to us)

Just wanted to update y’all regarding the paranormal goings-on over there. Will continue to share as information deems worthy.

Happy hunting …

Mellen

EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: fastest pitstop EVER!

Will elaborate later this pm (aimingly) but to update my friends & family who follow me via THIS site.

My mom took DANGEROUSLY ill this past week – we 911’ed her to the ER and to the point the doctor’s told me she was no longer competent/sane enough to sign-over permission for them to feed her etc (although they did, no worries). She was placed in ICU’s Critical Care. She spiked a 103* fever, was SEVERELY dehydrated and was seeing/talking delusionally. Although I TIRED to remain compose, I had QUITE A FEW trips to the bathroom (as did my husband) but luckily I’ve cousins who care … their presences that evening were GODSENT!

In brevity, as I’m being summoneds back to the hospital already this am:

They took CT scans of her head & lungs; head a’ok but there are ‘suspicious’ spots on her lungs. They initially diagnosed her with pneumonia; however, have since changed that to “um, not sure”. ?.?.? We’ve a revisit appointment with the pulmonary doc for another chest CT scan (stay tuned).

She responded to the fluids and antibiotics as well as broke the fever so she’s ‘come around’ … released is SUPPOSED to be this afternoon. *stay tuned*

Must get to the hospital — she’s demanding my immediate return; will blog in GREAT detail once we’re settled.

*HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR LOVED ONES TODAY?*

Hugs …

Me

EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: Giving away new lives? Pick me! Pick me!

Yesterday a young co-worker and I were talking; something I enjoy as MANY of you can tell. *smiles* However, she pointed-out something that started me to thinking. She was taken back at how much death has surrounded me my entire life. Tis very true, in retrospect! I simply cannot recall life without death; my father died when I was only 3, my best friend committed suicide at 15, friends died in car accidents, my sister & brother, friends died prematurely from natural causes as well as I lost ALL of my grandparents as well as almost all of my aunts & uncles along-the-way. I realized my life is anything but normal and how LUCKY people like this young lady are to be able to breath without fear and worry! At any age, I’ve NEVER known what that was like – again, death befelled me at age 3. Because of that, I held-on to those close tightly.

Now I sit here a middle-aged, experienced woman still worrying, still afraid!

Worried for my mom who, just last night, asked to be placed in a nursing home. NOT because she’s decrepid or unable to tend for herself (knocking-on-wood), but because she simply wants someone to tend to her while allowing her to ‘just lay in bed’ until it’s her time. *sigh*

Worried for my mom who, just last night, recanted how the image of her dead son hanging there resonates within her with every breath she takes. She knows, as does everyone, it’s a memory that’ll NEVER fade away.

I cannot blame her to want such an existance!

BUT, there’s another issue at hand! I’m growing sad, mad, depressed and earnestly frightened over … and that’s due to my ONLY living sibling who is one-year my senior yet resides with my mom. He suffered a small stroke in 2008 and hasn’t had the courage to try and do the things he did before that day; like drive, work, heck he won’t even just ‘get out’. He’s holed-up in his mancave — his ‘little world’. What’s to become of him when she’s gone?

I’ve MANY telling me that’s not MY responsibility despite they couldn’t be further from the truth. It IS my responsibility! Not just as his sister and our mother’s daughter, but as a Christian as well. Plus, as a human – how could I look myself in the mirror and like what I see if I simply turned-away and allowed him to ‘sink or swim’? Tell me, how does one do that? Not care, that is?

In turn, I get angry! It’s NOT fair either! I’ve worked hard to keep my ‘new’ family intact and before long will be an ’empty nester’ whose children have gone off to school as to start THEIR lives. I want to LIVE then … for me and my husband yet it appears as if I’ll be home, tending to ‘family matters’ instead.

Then, the bittersweet comes into play — the alternative! NOT AN OPTION! I’d rather dote on my brother the rest of my life than have to say good-bye to my last piece-of-family! So I do NOT want him to know my frustration! (he doesn’t visit my site, no worries)

Tears fall as I write … I’ve learned to simply blink and keep-on keeping-on! Praying for God to lead me .. with hopes it brings me some sort of ‘wealth’ so I can tend to him, yet live my life as well once my mom’s time is up. Not praying for riches — simply guidance, help, hope …

So when does life change? Will I EVER have a time in my life that with every breath I take I do not worry about the loss of another? I fear the ONLY way that could ever come to pass is for me to stop caring so much for others – a task I simply cannot fathom taking-on! So I guess this is it … this is the life intended for me. I guess God’s plan for me was to be the ‘rock’ yet absorb all that pains others.

I don’t want to come off crazy but secretly I hope there really IS a thing called ‘reincarnation’ … because all I want is a brief moment of a ‘normal’ life, just once — and a dad to lean on who assures me that I’m beautiful, special and that everything will be just fine!

*HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR LOVED ONES TODAY?*

Hugs …

Mellen

Emotional Rollercoaster: denial, apathy – whatever works!

Here it is over a week since my brother’s suicide yet I’m coping. Odd, considering how vicious I’ve taken my sister’s death which occurred four-years ago.

For her, I cried endlessly! I laid in bed for months! I lost my Will to live!

Yet, for my brother, I seem ‘distant’. Although I have had some ‘moments’, I am not paining as I did when I lost her.

Is it because I ‘dried up’ inside?

Is it because of the different circumstances surrounding their deaths (although they were quite similar, mind you)?

Or, am I in denial … and it’s planning on hitting me like a boulder come this weekend when his memorial is planned?

OR, … [tis what I believe] … maybe it’s my, without forethought, chosing to be stronger to aid my EXTREMELY fragile mom!

Although my outward actions aren’t showing devastation at this time, my heart is broken nonetheless! It’s still too surreal my brother is gone, and by his own hands – so quickly!

Regardless, I’ve PROMISED myself (and others) — my ‘dying’ in their wake won’t bring them back. I’ve witnessed not only how fast someone can be swept away from you but also how fast time flies. I MUST focus on my life as a mother, wife and daughter. I MUST stay strong. I’ve lost ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TIME with my sons already as a result of losing my sister – I cannot deprive them again.

Tis sad when you have to sit your young children down and tell them how although they don’t remember, but their mom used to be a happy person, filled with excitement about the possibilities life offered. HUGE WAKE-UP CALL!!!

So, for those who are worried … please do NOT let it be in MY regard; however, there’s a WONDERFUL woman, my HERO, who IS in need and that’s my mommy, Dorothy Kolvet! As well as two young women whose father was just ripped away from them who are trying to make sense of it all. PLEASE keep THEM in your thoughts & prayers – I’m going to be ok. I PROMISE!

Helps I’ve a FIRM affirmation in life hereafter and KNOW my family, who are no longer with me in the flesh, ARE watching over me from beyond! I KNOW we shall be reunited when God dictates! And although I weep inside for yet another loss, I’ve a short time in human-form retrospectly and that I REFUSE to take lightly ANYMORE!

**HUG YOUR LOVED ONES DAILY!**

Hugs …

Mellen

My brother’s death is in print today …

Well m’friends, it’s there!

Guess this makes it ‘official’. *tears*

Hugs …

Mellen

P.S.: Having ‘issues’ with the link showing above; so IF it’s not, please cut & paste this:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/indystar/obituary.aspx?n=robert-f-kolvet&pid=153525184