Yesterday a young co-worker and I were talking; something I enjoy as MANY of you can tell. *smiles* However, she pointed-out something that started me to thinking. She was taken back at how much death has surrounded me my entire life. Tis very true, in retrospect! I simply cannot recall life without death; my father died when I was only 3, my best friend committed suicide at 15, friends died in car accidents, my sister & brother, friends died prematurely from natural causes as well as I lost ALL of my grandparents as well as almost all of my aunts & uncles along-the-way. I realized my life is anything but normal and how LUCKY people like this young lady are to be able to breath without fear and worry! At any age, I’ve NEVER known what that was like – again, death befelled me at age 3. Because of that, I held-on to those close tightly.
Now I sit here a middle-aged, experienced woman still worrying, still afraid!
Worried for my mom who, just last night, asked to be placed in a nursing home. NOT because she’s decrepid or unable to tend for herself (knocking-on-wood), but because she simply wants someone to tend to her while allowing her to ‘just lay in bed’ until it’s her time. *sigh*
Worried for my mom who, just last night, recanted how the image of her dead son hanging there resonates within her with every breath she takes. She knows, as does everyone, it’s a memory that’ll NEVER fade away.
I cannot blame her to want such an existance!
BUT, there’s another issue at hand! I’m growing sad, mad, depressed and earnestly frightened over … and that’s due to my ONLY living sibling who is one-year my senior yet resides with my mom. He suffered a small stroke in 2008 and hasn’t had the courage to try and do the things he did before that day; like drive, work, heck he won’t even just ‘get out’. He’s holed-up in his mancave — his ‘little world’. What’s to become of him when she’s gone?
I’ve MANY telling me that’s not MY responsibility despite they couldn’t be further from the truth. It IS my responsibility! Not just as his sister and our mother’s daughter, but as a Christian as well. Plus, as a human – how could I look myself in the mirror and like what I see if I simply turned-away and allowed him to ‘sink or swim’? Tell me, how does one do that? Not care, that is?
In turn, I get angry! It’s NOT fair either! I’ve worked hard to keep my ‘new’ family intact and before long will be an ’empty nester’ whose children have gone off to school as to start THEIR lives. I want to LIVE then … for me and my husband yet it appears as if I’ll be home, tending to ‘family matters’ instead.
Then, the bittersweet comes into play — the alternative! NOT AN OPTION! I’d rather dote on my brother the rest of my life than have to say good-bye to my last piece-of-family! So I do NOT want him to know my frustration! (he doesn’t visit my site, no worries)
Tears fall as I write … I’ve learned to simply blink and keep-on keeping-on! Praying for God to lead me .. with hopes it brings me some sort of ‘wealth’ so I can tend to him, yet live my life as well once my mom’s time is up. Not praying for riches — simply guidance, help, hope …
So when does life change? Will I EVER have a time in my life that with every breath I take I do not worry about the loss of another? I fear the ONLY way that could ever come to pass is for me to stop caring so much for others – a task I simply cannot fathom taking-on! So I guess this is it … this is the life intended for me. I guess God’s plan for me was to be the ‘rock’ yet absorb all that pains others.
I don’t want to come off crazy but secretly I hope there really IS a thing called ‘reincarnation’ … because all I want is a brief moment of a ‘normal’ life, just once — and a dad to lean on who assures me that I’m beautiful, special and that everything will be just fine!
*HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR LOVED ONES TODAY?*