EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: RIP Robbie 1/25/61 – 9/1/11

It’s hard to believe a year has passed already!  Last year at this EXACT time I was rushing home from work to be with my mom, (my only living sibling) brother, and my niece after receiving the call, “Robbie’s dead!  Robbie’s dead!  He hung himself.  The police are on their way but grandma isn’t doing very well; she’s laying on him crying, screaming.  GET HERE NOW!”  It was a very long drive home as I work an hour away but sadly, I asked to be driven slowly.  Sounds selfish on the surface but in MY reality, after losing a sister I KNEW nothing was going to bring him back – and I feared my mom’s immediate health as I had NO idea how she was going to move forward this her SECOND child to die in a matter only a few years!  Factor-in HOW my brother CHOSE to die … I was PETRIFIED to see my mom!  (tis selfish selfish selfish!)

When we arrived at her home the EMTs were still there awaiting the coroner, as well as my brother’s church’s minister and his wife who were consoling my mom.  They are all still faded yet seared memories but I remember when I walked him I saw people all around my mom.  Nice people — policeman, I think … maybe they weren’t … I truly cannot recall other than I KNOW they were there from the ‘911’ call placed.  My mom was very calm (compliments of her meds) when I arrived — shocked me!  I remember those people parting the way asking if I was Robbie’s wife or are you ‘the’ daughter?  Of course I knew what that meant as I’m the only one left so I replied, “the daughter”.  So they parted the ‘red sea’ that lead to my mom so I could comfort her.  We cried and I remember cupping her face with my hands while begging her to remember me and my other brother, Brad, and how we don’t deserve to lose our mom because the other two other children gave-up on life!   She nodded in agreement but I knew her ’emotional roller coaster’ was just about to start-up again (as she’d just semi-recovered from [accepting the] losing of my sister, our family’s oldest) – so I started to ‘prepare’ myself for letting HER go too!

Tis a VERY sad feeling trying to convince yourself to try and not care as much about people and I found it impossible with my mom so I fought FOR her!  She tried to give-up, oh don’t you think she didn’t BUT she promised me a promise when I was only a little kid (w/very good fore-sight).  I asked her, “mom one day if Robbie were to die, you MUST remember that you still have me to live for and I don’t want him to be the death of you TOO; so promise me you’ll NOT die with him!  PROMISE ME MOM!”  She did so when I was approaching that chair as everyone was parting to let me near here that was the first thing I reminded her of that promise we made a DECADES ago and she simply nodded as I laid my head in her lap and we cried with the crowd surrounding us!

I was able to see my brother one last time a year ago today, oh and just about this exact minute too – sigh!  I didn’t want to see him on the ground or see the cord so I waited for the coroner to arrive.  At that time, his body was placed in a black bag and placed up on a stretcher.  I remember the policeman asking me to wait one more minute as he dashed-out into the garage and then came back to give me the ok.  With my husband by my side, I mustered up the courage to go out and see him, well what he left behind, I mean.  I remember only seeing his head.  That’s when the policeman told me he didn’t want me to see the marks around Robbie’s neck so he had made sure the black bag’s zipper was all the way up to my brother’s chin.  I remember telling him good-bye, telling him I forgive him for ALL of the things in the past, and I remember laying my head on his chest for that VERY last time!

His body was cremated and his memorial held a few weeks later.  During that time we discovered my elderly mom had broken her back trying to hold him up alongside my niece as my other brother had to use a SAW to cut the VERY thick cord he chose.  Her health PLUMMETED!  She started to refuse to eat.  She refused to get out of the bed most days.  And even though we had made that promise, my being a parent now caused me to rethink how SELFISH that was of me to ask her to stay on my account.  I COULD NOT IMAGINE LIVING THROUGH THE DEATH OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN – YET HERE I WAS ASKING, NO EXPECTING, HER TO … NOT ONE, BUT TWO NOW?!  So I took the time to nurture her and I told her that whatever it may be, I’ll be ok.  BUT she wasn’t convinced and I believe it’s the pain she saw in my eyes, not the ‘serious’ look on my face, she saw as she started to ‘try’.  She moved-in with us — we created a ‘makeshift’ bedroom for her downstairs (she cannot do stairs anymore) with the understanding that it was HER choice where to lie her head down at night.  I felt it would give her some sort of empowerment over a helpless situation being able to choose WHERE you want to ‘call home’ that day — remember, he committed suicide in the home she was living as well as she need care, I mean loving & doting, unselfish CARE!

And, now a year has passed and we’re intact … my once large family literally cut-in-half.  Unsure if we’ll have another year as I don’t take ANY life for granted anymore.  And although I never sought counselling after my sister and maybe I should have; however, I did learn from her passing that dead is dead and NOTHING BRINGS THEM BACK plus the ONLY true friend you have in death is TIME!  I let father ‘TIME’ tend to my needs.  So yep when that frantic call came about my brother passing, I wasn’t prepared but I felt that it wasn’t my first ‘rodeo’ anymore and (sadly) that gave ME power!  Yet a year has flown by so fast already and here I lay, in tears … SCARED to call my mommy as I hope she slept through it this morning!

Somehow I always knew I’d be the rock!  I must thank God for placing ME on this earth to hold my mommy up and help her move forward!  It PAINS my heart to see her every time I visit with her (tis true, but I hide it well).  She’s buried her husband, her first and now second born!  How AWFUL!

So today is my ‘brother’s’ day …. eventually, as time is my friend, I know that one day this day we will remember only the GOOD things about him!  How he laughed, loved to tease, and tell jokes.  And, how I never met a more gifted mechanic and carpenter – if he didn’t know how, he figured it out!  How he’s two beautiful daughters, still trying to make sense of it all (and one isn’t doing very well – please keep her in your prayers!), and their children within whom he lives on!  I haven’t a choice you see because as I penned, dead is dead!

I miss you, Robbie!  I hope God opened-up his gates and let you see your dad, sister and you’ve been there to welcome those we’ve lost this past year as well!  AND, I hope God is allowing you to go and ‘make amends’ by watching over your daughters (as they need him desperately!)!  I will ALWAYS love you, Robbie!  I hope you’re resting-in-peace, I TRULY do!

R.I.P.

Robert Frederick Kolvet, Jr.

1/25/61 – 9/1/11

 

This WAS my family 3-months after we lost our dad (fall, 1970)

Handsome heart-breaker Robbie & his contagious smile!

Robbie’s beautiful first born, Krystal!

 Robbie’s beautiful baby girl, Katie!

All of Robbie’s grandchildren – his legacies!

 

Your last-surviving sister misses you awful as does your LOVING mom, your brothers, your niece, your nephews, your beautiful two daughters, and most importantly, your six grandchildren!

Until we meet again I shall hold your memory near!  *tears*

 

HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR LOVED ONES TODAY?*

 

Mellen

 

 

My WebMaster & me at MidSouth

Ron & I at MidSouth 2012

Ron & I at MidSouth 2012

Here is a picture of me and my WebMaster, at the 2012 Midsouth Para-Con, after his losing 250-pounds in 8-months!!!!  Obviously we are all VERY PROUD OF HIM!   :)   

Another one into my bucket … CalNeva Lodge!

Marilyn & Frank’s CalNeva Lodge (on Lake Tahoe)!

A LIFE-LONG desire to visit this place and yesterday that dream was fulfilled!  I am one happy woman!

The staff there are VERY accommodating.  I was told EXACTLY which was Marilyn’s cabin as well the EXACT spot where her last picture was snapped… of course, I posed in the same spot, HAD to and boy whatta view!

And yep, I attempted EVP, of course … so stay tuned as I’ll be certain to share!

 

Hugs & happy hunting …

Mellen

So Roxanne WAS listening! She reeeeally was!

I was standing by my kitchen sink cleaning when I looked around my home and thought aloud:  “Roxanne, see how much I need you?  I have lived here almost 4-years and I don’t even know where to hang a picture.  But nooo you’re gone and can’t help me.  Thanks!”

Less than an hour later my phone rang, it was my cousin with whom I hadn’t spoken in months.  I answered to hear her tell me she ‘felt’ she should call me RIGHT then.  She told me to “not think her crazy” and that “Roxanne had just given her a message to call me“.  My cousin didn’t know WHY other than she’s been meaning to get in touch with me as she has a picture she’s been wanting to share with me (of Roxanne).

PICTURE?!

Coincidence?

I TRULY don’t think so!  (but think what you’d like)

So, let my posts be a reminder …. they may be gone into ‘spirit world’ BUT they are nearby watching and (obviously) listening!  Because … it was my sister who got ME into the paranormal; so, if there ever was someone who’d make contact after-passing, it’d be her, I’m CERTAIN of it!

Hugs …

 

Mellen

 

 

“Mary Ellen, are you listening? It’s me, Roxanne. It’s time Sissy!”

Coincidences don’t just happen; well, at least I don’t believe they do.

Although it’s been almost 5-years since I last saw my sister, spoke to her, smelled her perfume, embraced her … she dominated my thoughts one day this past week.  I couldn’t shake ‘her’ despite I tried considering the amount of time it’s taken me to let go knowing once that first tear fell a river would then awaken.  Yet, she ‘stayed’ there in my thoughts.   As to distract my thoughts I began to search the internet for something, ANYTHING, that would ‘stop that flow’ for I’ve cried so long now.

I searched ‘patios’.

I searched old friends.

I searched about raising our newly adopted puppy.

I searched news, celebrity gossip … read my emails, played my online games, commented on posts, wished friends happy birthday yet there she was, STILL in my thoughts, nagging at me.

So, then, out-of-the-blue I searched her love … a man who she deeply loved until the last breath she took.

This man was just a boy when they fell-in-love and her a woman.  He hadn’t had the best life; struggled living on the streets despite he was still of a VERY young age.  Sadly, over the years life hardened him and a troubled man he became.  Their relationship wasn’t the epitome of poster perfect relations but she loved him with all of her being!  Then, one day, as life usually dictates, they parted ways for trouble had found him again.  For the next few years, over a thousand miles then separated them; without her to compass him, trouble found him and he was given time for his repeated petty crimes and slowly they stopped communicating.

Even more years passed by but slowly they became long-distanced pen pals.  She kept telling everyone how much they still cared for each other and how he was going to return when he could to marry her.  Many, including myself, shook their head in disbelief wondering why she held-on to such an unpromising future with such a trouble man.  I remember it wasn’t often she’d receive communication from him but when she did, she’d carry his letter with her until the folds were torn and a print-out of his face in her wallet.

Repeatedly she told us he was coming for her.

As before, we shook our heads as my sister was living in her imagination.

But even that stopped on July 6, 2007 … she was gone!

I remember the day she died as I was sitting in shock atop her car awaiting the coroner, of all the thoughts that ran through my head that day he came to my mind.  One included how do you tell a troubled person as he such a tragic tale when that person was trying to reform, to find some sort of good in life … a life that had beaten him down was all he’d ever known.  So, I didn’t write that day.  Nor did I write the next week … month … and year.  I asked others to write in my stead yet it never happened.  It’s not as if he could write her, shortly after her death her home was gone, literally.  So I let it lie for in an odd way, I envied him.  He was living thinking she was waiting for him … she was alive in someone … what a wonderful feeling that was – SHE WAS ALIVE!  So why write?  Why tell and sadden another?  For what reason?  She’s NEVER coming back!  So although I had things put away to share with him, they were never sent.

Time passed …

Years passed …

Although I checked on him periodically during that time, those actions grew more infrequent.  Selfishly, trying to ‘let my sister go’ and ‘move on’ were dominating my thoughts — my health needed the respite, I’d suffered tremendously enough already.

But, the now ‘stronger’ me searched to this past week to find he’d been released!  I sighed.  I remember when I closed-out that webpage for the last time this past week, I spoke a prayer for him.  I asked for God to reach-out and help this now grown man who I knew one day soon would search and find she’d passed-on … hoping he wouldn’t resent us for not writing … hoping he’d understand the reasons why for nothing was bringing her back to us and in my heart I knew that his unknowing meant within him she still was alive.

It wasn’t but a bit later my mother’s phone rang early in the morning.  My sister’s daughter answered it.  The phone is listed under my brother’s name so when she answered a ‘stranger’ introduced himself as “an old family friend”.  The elementary-aged child he remembered was now the woman he spoke to.  In tears she told him how her mother had died.

Although my sister no longer is alive in his heart, the love for her is and that whimsical dreamer we thought she to be died.

For, HE CAME LOOKING FOR HER; just as she knew he would!

I hope he forgives us for not writing; and, he holds dearly the few memories I DO have stored away in his honor!

And, I hope SHE forgives US for not believing in her!

Color all this coincidence if you’d like; but, I know that day my sister returned to whisper her name in both our ears!

 

Hugs …

Mellen