I want to be numb!

God says He’ll only give us as much as He knows we can handle; and, it’s not that I’m doubting that, but I am sorta wishing I was not as strong as to avoid living this.

It’s taken me over 4-years to grasp my sister’s never coming back — a choice SHE made.

Now, I’ve my brother to let-go — a choice HE made.

Why don’t suicidal people think about the HORRIFIC hurt they’re leaving behind? I cannot state how SELFISH this act is — the most selfish of all selfish acts, as well!

I’m sad that I’m FREAKIN’ MAD – how DARE him! He knew my mom was in the adjacent room! She cannot forget his face after he died from strangling and describes it to me – I HATE HIM FOR THAT! Why couldn’t he ‘find a tree’ somewhere if he REALLY wanted to die without ‘drama’? I cannot fathom why without drama being the focal point! Then to top alllll of that off: he not only stole HER medicines to numb himself, he also stole the ONLY $4 she had to buy his last bottle of booze and but he did ALL of this in MY former home! The home I brought my newborns into! The home I HAD cherished memories; Christmas, birthdays, my LIVING sister visiting me, hell even funky memories of him fixing stuff for us!

His ONE FINAL SELFISH ACT died with him but lives on with us FOREVER! As I know, at almost 80, my mom will NEVER recover from this (despite we’re moving her into our home). Not one day will go by she won’t recall her son dangling by a cord, dead, SCREAMING FOR HIM TO BREATH, struggling to hold him up alongside my niece as my only-living-sibling worked insanely fast to cut a vaccum cleaner cord (they’re VERY thick, mind you).

I’m mad!

I’m mad for being mad!

I’m sad for being mad!

I’m sad for my mom!

I’m sad for my living-brother who for the FIRST TIME IN DECADES showed ‘fear’ & ‘love’ in his eyes!

I’m sad for my now-dead brother’s 2 daughters & whose children will NEVER get to know their grandpa! Nor will they be able to say ‘good-bye’ to ‘him’, only to some cremated remains at a later date!

I’m sad I don’t have a ton of money to rush to my nieces’ side to hug them as they live down VERY south in Kentucky!

I’m sad there isn’t 4 of me!

Hence why I wish I could be numb — just for a short period of time!

*tears*

Hugs …

Mellen

Posted in Surviving Suicide Series.

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