Surviving Suicide Series: Robin giving my mom some peace?

Like so many, I am also very saddened by the loss of the GREAT Robin Williams; however, am I surprised?  Nope.  I see my brother when I look into Robin’s eyes whenever a photo of him appears.

My brother was funny and his laugh was HONESTLY contagious too yet he hung himself to death.

And in a warped way I hope my mommy is seeing all this on tv & getting strength from it all – a wonderful man’s being remembered, a man who shocked the world yesterday as all thought he was genuinely happy because he told jokes.  I hope my mom sees that suicide hasn’t any boundaries – she didn’t fail her child.  Just like her son who hung himself on 9/1/11, no one is immune, NO ONE!  Nor is it her fault.  Fault lies on the person who gave-up on all who loved him!

In the way I pray for my brother, I pray for Robin – you have your right to live your life as you wish.  Tis sad though that they hurt so many in the process.  But that’s human-nature folks!

Next time you THINK someone is fine, listen to your gut and react – but tis they and ONLY them who has to feel it deeeeeeeply inside themselves, the courage, the confidence to go on.  Don’t over-coddle them either, it causes them to feel weak & not in power.  Just be positive!  Don’t knock people!  Don’t purposely hurt them!  The pain you inflict you think an “I’m sorry” will erase but deep-down that person will live their ENTIRE lives hurting.

I know Heaven is cracking-up today … and my brother & sister in the front row … I can almost hear my brother’s laughter, honestly!

My thoughts & prayers to his loved ones left behind as his grand-children, great grand-children who’ll never know him.  BUT it was  HIS and ONLY his choice – that’s the HARDEST part for the survivors – he didn’t love them enough to try harder.  (yep, from experience I speak that – experience folks)

Hugs …



Emotional Rollercoaster: Another what if, just what if?

I lie in bed, yet sleep escapes me.  My mind I cannot stop.  It’s filled with worry, wonderment, and fear.  My heart divided.  It’s been so long since I last penned an entry in this series – I guess I haven’t ‘survived’ suicide just yet!

Changes are occurring that are beyond my control!

Monday the home where my brother hung himself, the home where he spoke to me from ‘beyond the grave’ mentioning me by name as if reaching-out to me for help a mere few hours after his death, now the home where almost 2-years later he still speaks as if reaching out to me, this home will be sold.  I will never have access to it again.  No chance to ‘talk’.  No chance to say more good-byes.  A ‘finale’ so to speak!

Although my latest taping session from within the home was not but a day ago, a mere 11:11-minutes in length was all it took for within the first 1:06 of those minutes, once again a voice can be heard speaking his name, “Robbie”!

Why am I worried, in wonderment yet in fear?

Worry – worry for my brother whose soul may be ‘trapped’ within that small one-car garage and think how long ‘eternity’ is!

Wonderment – wondering as a Christian I MUST help him!  I’ve never been a fan of ‘spiritual house cleansing’ for to be ‘left behind’ was a divine decision was my excuse – and what am I but a simple human, tis no match to undermine a divine decision.  Yet I pause and remind myself how perfect God is and how much faith I have in Him!  How, I know, He would not ever allow something to be!  God would not give us the power-of-prayer if He did not want us to assist ‘lost souls’ in need.  Right?

Fear – fearing the ‘what ifs’.  What if … I’m wrong and whoever is speaking to my recorder is NOT my brother?  What if … I’m wrong and God is testing our faith by giving us the means but hoping we choose to not?  What if … my brother’s spirit is there and I put it in more jeopardy?  What if … I’m right, where then will my brother’s soul go?

Yet my BIGGEST fear is … the idea of my doing nothing!

I have already arranged for a reputable paranormal group to come into the home in the next few days.  *Stay tuned*

Hey!  Hug your loved ones!  TRUST ME – you NEVER know when they could be ripped away from you in a split second!


Hugs & happy hunting …


Coochie! Coochie! Coo!

Para-entertainment (possibly?):

My mommy called me to tell me how she was settling in bed for the night, her bedroom light still on as was her tv.  She was just snuggling-in when ‘something’ reached-up from the foot of her bed & went under her covers to tickle the bottoms of her feet not just once but twice!  First time, she lifted the sheets to find nothing there and blew it off.  Guess what, the second time it happened she did the same and found …. nothing again.  ;-)

Sorta hard to contribute such happenings as a guaranteed ‘paranormal’ considering her age (80yo) on top of the meds she takes; however, oddly, events such as these don’t happen very often w/her (anymore).  But am denoting this happening regardless.

I’m out on this one … stay tuned for I will post if she calls to report more ‘tickling’.

Ghosts w/a KIND sense-of-humor ROCK!   (I run into several during my para-tenure)
Hugs & happy hunting …


Paranormal: EVP – proof his spirit was there with me!

(bumping this post up; initially posted 10/04/11)

It’s moments and EVP like these which remind me why I’m SUPPOSED to be in the paranormal. I’ve proof my brother spoke to me from beyond the grave! *goosebumps*

And tis with special permission I’m able to share this VERY personal EVP. I informed my mother who was torn yet chose to listen. Albeit bittersweet I may now add that she agrees wholeheartedly THIS IS MY BROTHER, HER LATE-SON ; we know his ‘voice’, and he’s whispering to me, “Mary Ellen, it’s Robbie!


Don’t understand?

Well, my brother died from a suicidal hanging not but a month ago. This EVP was obtained the night of his death.

Need to point-out that this recording was captured during my 2:30 am session; within the first 5-minutes …. of my first recording segment! First FIVE minutes! I’ve almost 2-hours more!!! [EDITED 3/6/2012 TO ADD: Last hours proved to include practically ENDLESS, undescribable sounds such as doors opening & shutting, drawers being opened & closed, items beging dragged across the floor, unintelligible whisperings, and metal clanking ALL HAPPENED IN AN EMPTY GARAGE OF A HOME WHERE EVERYONE WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND THE CRICKETS ‘HEARD’ THEM AS WELL FOR THEY ALMOST ALWAYS GROW EERIE’LY QUIET WITH EVERY ‘MOVEMENT’ CAPTURED!]

With everyone sound asleep & I all alone, I went out to the garage to snap a few pictures, ‘talk’ to my brother while clicking record. My brother knew and would’ve expected nothing less from his ghosthunting sis! So heck yea I investigated … we need answers! (obviously he was game)

After taking pictures and ‘talking’ to him, I started another segment by leaving the recorder unchaperoned yet recording – just lying there on the workbench. Off to bed I went – I promised to stay with my mother that entire night.

I have made it though the recordings only once, I prefer listening to each segment three times to deduce validity. However, I’m adament enough to state that I’m …. BLOWN-AWAY to have so many ‘questionable’ moments in such few para-recordings! And let me tell you, I’ve endless EVP from my ghosting in the past but NONE compare to THESE tapings! So far, aside this awesome EVP, that night I also captured disembodied movements like quick gasps, draggings, wooden clinks, metal clanks … some ‘mumbling’.

All of this obtained in an empty 1-car garage!

It’s seems unbelieveable but tis true! And before you wonder … yes, I’ve plans to reinvestigate soon but next time I’ll have VIDEO in-hand as well … need to ‘SEE’ those movement EVP! *stay tuned*

But I need to close with this: I’ve heard many an EVP in my past, but NEVER has one EVER touched me nor been as ENLIGHTENING as this one! NONE OF THEM!


Hugs …


EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: RIP Robbie 1/25/61 – 9/1/11

It’s hard to believe a year has passed already!  Last year at this EXACT time I was rushing home from work to be with my mom, (my only living sibling) brother, and my niece after receiving the call, “Robbie’s dead!  Robbie’s dead!  He hung himself.  The police are on their way but grandma isn’t doing very well; she’s laying on him crying, screaming.  GET HERE NOW!”  It was a very long drive home as I work an hour away but sadly, I asked to be driven slowly.  Sounds selfish on the surface but in MY reality, after losing a sister I KNEW nothing was going to bring him back – and I feared my mom’s immediate health as I had NO idea how she was going to move forward this her SECOND child to die in a matter only a few years!  Factor-in HOW my brother CHOSE to die … I was PETRIFIED to see my mom!  (tis selfish selfish selfish!)

When we arrived at her home the EMTs were still there awaiting the coroner, as well as my brother’s church’s minister and his wife who were consoling my mom.  They are all still faded yet seared memories but I remember when I walked him I saw people all around my mom.  Nice people — policeman, I think … maybe they weren’t … I truly cannot recall other than I KNOW they were there from the ‘911’ call placed.  My mom was very calm (compliments of her meds) when I arrived — shocked me!  I remember those people parting the way asking if I was Robbie’s wife or are you ‘the’ daughter?  Of course I knew what that meant as I’m the only one left so I replied, “the daughter”.  So they parted the ‘red sea’ that lead to my mom so I could comfort her.  We cried and I remember cupping her face with my hands while begging her to remember me and my other brother, Brad, and how we don’t deserve to lose our mom because the other two other children gave-up on life!   She nodded in agreement but I knew her ’emotional roller coaster’ was just about to start-up again (as she’d just semi-recovered from [accepting the] losing of my sister, our family’s oldest) – so I started to ‘prepare’ myself for letting HER go too!

Tis a VERY sad feeling trying to convince yourself to try and not care as much about people and I found it impossible with my mom so I fought FOR her!  She tried to give-up, oh don’t you think she didn’t BUT she promised me a promise when I was only a little kid (w/very good fore-sight).  I asked her, “mom one day if Robbie were to die, you MUST remember that you still have me to live for and I don’t want him to be the death of you TOO; so promise me you’ll NOT die with him!  PROMISE ME MOM!”  She did so when I was approaching that chair as everyone was parting to let me near here that was the first thing I reminded her of that promise we made a DECADES ago and she simply nodded as I laid my head in her lap and we cried with the crowd surrounding us!

I was able to see my brother one last time a year ago today, oh and just about this exact minute too – sigh!  I didn’t want to see him on the ground or see the cord so I waited for the coroner to arrive.  At that time, his body was placed in a black bag and placed up on a stretcher.  I remember the policeman asking me to wait one more minute as he dashed-out into the garage and then came back to give me the ok.  With my husband by my side, I mustered up the courage to go out and see him, well what he left behind, I mean.  I remember only seeing his head.  That’s when the policeman told me he didn’t want me to see the marks around Robbie’s neck so he had made sure the black bag’s zipper was all the way up to my brother’s chin.  I remember telling him good-bye, telling him I forgive him for ALL of the things in the past, and I remember laying my head on his chest for that VERY last time!

His body was cremated and his memorial held a few weeks later.  During that time we discovered my elderly mom had broken her back trying to hold him up alongside my niece as my other brother had to use a SAW to cut the VERY thick cord he chose.  Her health PLUMMETED!  She started to refuse to eat.  She refused to get out of the bed most days.  And even though we had made that promise, my being a parent now caused me to rethink how SELFISH that was of me to ask her to stay on my account.  I COULD NOT IMAGINE LIVING THROUGH THE DEATH OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN – YET HERE I WAS ASKING, NO EXPECTING, HER TO … NOT ONE, BUT TWO NOW?!  So I took the time to nurture her and I told her that whatever it may be, I’ll be ok.  BUT she wasn’t convinced and I believe it’s the pain she saw in my eyes, not the ‘serious’ look on my face, she saw as she started to ‘try’.  She moved-in with us — we created a ‘makeshift’ bedroom for her downstairs (she cannot do stairs anymore) with the understanding that it was HER choice where to lie her head down at night.  I felt it would give her some sort of empowerment over a helpless situation being able to choose WHERE you want to ‘call home’ that day — remember, he committed suicide in the home she was living as well as she need care, I mean loving & doting, unselfish CARE!

And, now a year has passed and we’re intact … my once large family literally cut-in-half.  Unsure if we’ll have another year as I don’t take ANY life for granted anymore.  And although I never sought counselling after my sister and maybe I should have; however, I did learn from her passing that dead is dead and NOTHING BRINGS THEM BACK plus the ONLY true friend you have in death is TIME!  I let father ‘TIME’ tend to my needs.  So yep when that frantic call came about my brother passing, I wasn’t prepared but I felt that it wasn’t my first ‘rodeo’ anymore and (sadly) that gave ME power!  Yet a year has flown by so fast already and here I lay, in tears … SCARED to call my mommy as I hope she slept through it this morning!

Somehow I always knew I’d be the rock!  I must thank God for placing ME on this earth to hold my mommy up and help her move forward!  It PAINS my heart to see her every time I visit with her (tis true, but I hide it well).  She’s buried her husband, her first and now second born!  How AWFUL!

So today is my ‘brother’s’ day …. eventually, as time is my friend, I know that one day this day we will remember only the GOOD things about him!  How he laughed, loved to tease, and tell jokes.  And, how I never met a more gifted mechanic and carpenter – if he didn’t know how, he figured it out!  How he’s two beautiful daughters, still trying to make sense of it all (and one isn’t doing very well – please keep her in your prayers!), and their children within whom he lives on!  I haven’t a choice you see because as I penned, dead is dead!

I miss you, Robbie!  I hope God opened-up his gates and let you see your dad, sister and you’ve been there to welcome those we’ve lost this past year as well!  AND, I hope God is allowing you to go and ‘make amends’ by watching over your daughters (as they need him desperately!)!  I will ALWAYS love you, Robbie!  I hope you’re resting-in-peace, I TRULY do!


Robert Frederick Kolvet, Jr.

1/25/61 – 9/1/11


This WAS my family 3-months after we lost our dad (fall, 1970)

Handsome heart-breaker Robbie & his contagious smile!

Robbie’s beautiful first born, Krystal!

 Robbie’s beautiful baby girl, Katie!

All of Robbie’s grandchildren – his legacies!


Your last-surviving sister misses you awful as does your LOVING mom, your brothers, your niece, your nephews, your beautiful two daughters, and most importantly, your six grandchildren!

Until we meet again I shall hold your memory near!  *tears*








THE toughest and most scary thing I’ve EVER done but I did it! Took my 6’4″ brother with me (who was JUST as determined) to remove my mom from the NURSING HOME they placed her in without our or her consent.

Initially, she was moved to a short-term rehab center TO LEARN TO WALK from another stress fracture of the spine but was up walking all night so they moved her to the NURSING HOME area. (hello, no sense here … IF she was walking, SEND HER HOME!)

She’s granting me POA very soon as my NOT being hers almost held me back because I almost had to resort to my Plan B: roll-over mom, I’m crawling into bed with you and NOT leaving NOR eating until you get released!

Despite this insanity started 2-weeks-ago-today-yet-it-seems-like-this-has-been-MONTHS-long while she *lost* her mind which immediately started to come back to us when we got her into my truck and FLEW home with her! PROOF: they were doping her up with hopes she would lose her mind … who else gives a woman who’s in for WALKING rehab a bag of PlayDough, hand stamps from the $1 store, coloring utensils and a coloring book? still SICKENS ME! STILL makes me sick remember I walked in and saw my mom had been moved from a PRIVATE suite to a ‘hole’; my precious-wonderful-loving-SMART mom was lying only 1′ off the floor on a rubber cot with the tv on mute no tv remote for her to use, her water pitcher yet no cup given was literally 5′ away from her so she was dying of thirst, oh & her the light was off and the buzzer to call the nurse wasn’t clipped onto her, it was put-up HIGH so she couldn’t reach it! Yet after my reminding them of these BLANTANT offenses against my mom, they had the nerve & REFUSED to release her to us out of fear she’d be mistreated?! again, remember NO ONE SIGNED ANY PAPERS WITH THIS FACILITY IN ANY WAY NOR AT ANY TIME]! So they DEMANDED we be ‘scrutinized’ too and sent-over an in-home nurse to check on mom the next day who stayed over 2-hours with us, checked the house & mom out and we cleared with FLYING COLORS; seems tis a miracle, mom had ALREADY made HUGE mental strides – d’uh, the idiots! (btw, wanted to add I just talked with my mom and today she’s asking to balance her checkbook — Playdough & handstamps my ass!). Anyway, the nurse believes home IS the best for my mom so she’s arranging occupational & rehabilitation (& nurse) therapist visits 1 time a week for at least a month; as well as I asked for a pastor to stop-by weekly as well … mom’s still a LONG way to go from the grief she’s been enduring for TOO long now (wanted her add her only living-sibling was just diagnosed with lung cancer – she’s once again devastated!).

**let me add they let her fall at the nursing home one late night & yes, I’ve PICTURES of the HUGE red bruise on her back**

Since we’ve gotten her home, she’s now able to go to the restroom independently, make her bed (best she can), and is changing those tv channels remembering which were her fav shows, and with assistance in & out took a shower by herself! :)

She’s not totally ‘over’ all this yet and some med tweaking is taking place — for sure, she’ll be on in-home oxygen within the week. (for Mommy’s Day I’ve been buying her those nico patches yet with this mental clarity is coming cig cravings — have my fingers crossed my quoting how much $$$$$ she’s saved so far will be the sealer for her quitting!) *stay tuned*

Just wanted to quickly update my readers about my mom and thank ALL who sent us good things mentally, spiritually … we couldn’t have done this without everyone’s help! NEVER IN MY DREAMS DID I THINK WALKING-IN TO AN ER TO GET AN X-RAY WOULD WIND-UP WITH MY MOM IN A [MENTAL] NURSING HOME! Unless it’s life or death, I’m NEVER taking my mom back to an ER again! Take heed in our lesson; beware & be aware with YOUR parents! DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! If it HAS to, constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY demand to know the meds given and don’t be shy to tell them “NO MORE and we MEAN it!”! Because she WALKED into the ER yet was taken-out a WEEK later on a stretcher … now that’s healing for ya! *gag*


Hugs …


P.S.: I have a VERY short video of my mom from yesterday afternoon I’d like to share here as well … let me get a hold of my Webmaster for guidance. :) Stay tuned!

EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER: Never felt more alone, EVER!

Short & simple: I NEED YOUR PRAYERS FOR MY MOM who was moved into a nursing home last night! She’s ‘losing’ her mind.

It’s a very painful long story that would take me a while to recap here but I want to insert that I disbelieve that’s where she should be BUT with my being ALL alone, I haven’t ANYONE here in person to help guide me through all this (or to bring her home and help tend to her here). Wishin’ God would shower us with some money so that I can quit work, bring her home, and take care of her HERE! I simply do not trust nursing homes … esp with my VERY SWEET yet IMPATIENT mom! *tears*

I’m a basketcase … so ya might wanna add me to that prayer chain. Not holding-up very well! (not to imply vanity, I’m simply SCARED to death right now and miss everyone so!)

“GOD, PLEASE HEAR OUR PRAYERS! Please stop having so much faith in me … please!”

Thank you all!

And please remember …



P.S.: And I’ve come to HATE my late-brother! DESPISE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!

Paranormal Activity: was it a warning of something bad coming my way?

I’ve not long to pen this for I’m wearing a bit thin these days rushing between home and the hospital, so pardon me for not glamorizing this entry.

The VERY next day after I saw that ‘shadowy figure’ walk through my home (see previous blog entry), I had to take my mom to the ER. She’s still admitted and is diminishing quickly; we’re ALL a bit baffled as to why considering the reason we rushed there in the first place versus what we’re currently battling.

It was due to INCREDIBLE pain returning in her back as to why we pulled-up to those ER doors this past Tuesday. Lo & behold, CT scan showed my mom has yet another break in her spine. Since she’s a life-long smoker, aged (almost) 80, these happen more commonly then most realize; however, her mental state is what’s our biggest concern.

When you speak to her, she stares at the walls as if she’s a vegetable; my niece described it like her being in a coma yet wide-awake. When she does try and ‘interact’, there’s no sense to what she mumbles. Until last night, she’s COMPLETELY stopped eating! They’re reducing almost all of her meds, yet she still just ‘stares’. Yesterday, I had a LOT on my plate so I wasn’t able to sit there with her 24/7 as I normally do — probably a good thing considering when I DID get to & was only there about an hour as to ensure she tried to eat lunch, she ripped my heart out! She kept trying to get out of bed despite she’s SO lethargic she can barely lift her arm (yes, I hand-feed her). Of course there’s NO WAY I could lift &/or carry my mom for ANY reason even though she’s officially lost 50lbs since my brother’s suicide this past Fall. So she was begging me yesterday to let her ‘sneak’ out of the bed … “please, help me” she’d say to me over & over! The nurses rushed in (for about the millionth time) to help me get her legs back into the bed and I was *warned* the next step will be tying her down! WHAT?! This same lady was shopping around Walmart not but a week ago – this CANNOT be happening! IT’S BREAKING MY HEART!

The doctor called me a little bit ago to tell me what’s his game plan and concerns. Her white blood cell count is rising so they’re continuing the antibiotics. He’s cutting her meds down TREMENDOUSLY … actually that was started almost 1.5-days ago yet she’s moreso still staring out into space versus watching tv or better yet, having a convo & making sense while doing so. She will NOT be going to rehab tomorrow as they initially predicted … something I had already anticipated hearing. She’ll be visited by a neurologist in the morning despite the CT scans on her head have come back ‘fine’. Curious, how does the brain’s “I’m willing myself to die” portion look like in a scan because that’s what I believe she’s doing?! She’s simply GIVING UP!

I’ve so much more to write … but alas, I really need to get back to the hospital so I need to wrap this up.

The point of this entry … the figure I saw, I saw within hours of all this beginning. I KNOW others have seen such entities as well. Curious, in retrospect, were those sightings followed by your getting a BIG ‘slap of reality’? Or it is all just coincidence?

Hugs & happy hunting …


P.S.: Yes, my thoughts are scattered so please forgive any typos, etc. TY!

EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: Death certificate speaks

I apologize for not posting this sooner for I received my late-brother’s death certificate not long after I posted on here I had filed for a copy.

It told me what I had hoped WASN’T true … asphyxiation took my brother on 9/1/11. In other words, his neck didn’t break taking him immediately, he choked to death.

My mom knows I’ve received this yet has never asked to see it nor what it reads and I’ve no intentions of pushing it any further because this would CRUSH HER HEART, what’s left of it that is. I want her to think he went painlessly. It makes no difference either way now.

Just wanted to share.


Hugs …


EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER: New evidence discovered, death certificate applied for

Finally I had the talk with my niece in regards to her discovery of my brother; she was the FIRST one to discover his lifeless hanging body and screamed for help. Today I asked her questions about those moments; how did he look, his appearance, was he still or was he swinging? And I asked about his eyes, I needed to know about his eyes.

She calmly told me moments before she went out to check on him, she heard a ‘crash’ [now she’s deducing that was the chair he kicked-over]. Moments later she opened the garage door to check on him. His body was facing toward the garage’s south wall but it was at an angle his face was in full-view of the door way. She told me that his face did not look traumatized, his head leaning to the side but down, his eyes were almost closed, and only a slight trace of froth alongside this lips’ corner had formed — “Honestly Mary Ellen, he looked peaceful,” she said.

She also told me how it unfolded. She opened the door and screamed. My brother & mom ran to her and the 3 of them together held him up & cut him down. Then once the noose was removed, my mom began pounding on Robbie’s chest with hopes to get his heart back to beating to no avail. Then Brittany started CPR and it was then she noticed the lack of support normal bodies have in their necks.

I know it’s odd that it’s been a few months since his death and we’re just now asking these questions between each other but in truth, tis really like being in shock! However after today’s talk, I’m VERY curious … knowing it’ll help soften the burden of guilt that is consuming her, I hope I can honestly tell my mom, with evidence, her son died instantly and no matter if she had rushed in there 2-seconds after he’d kicked that chair it’d still been too late … he had broken his neck, painlessly he left this existance. Sure it won’t bring him back but as a parent and her child, I just know that people just has to know these things in order to accept and move on. Plus, before hearing of all this today, I have sat up many sleepless nights, crying, envisioning my brother choking and reaching-out for someone to save him simply for him to die. I worried he did but didn’t want to, ya know? I VERY much want to put those visions to rest forever! HE WAS A VERY CRAFTY HANDY MAN … so if his neck broke instantly, that’s because HE made it happen that way to do what HE wanted and least painful!

So it’s with high hopes I pen this entry as well as the envelope to mail … a completed application, attached copy of my credentials, and attached a check because in tomorrow’s outgoing mail to the Indiana Department of Vitals!

I will pen more in his regard after what we truly NEED to know arrives.


Hugs …


P.S.: His ex-wife with whom he was estranged at the time of his death has a copy, I’m sure. And, although we’re truly trying to maintain a level-of-respect & communicate in his honor with her so I know she’d most likely share this with me if I only would ask. But, I’d like to do it myself, and see it with my own eyes.