I remember vaguely what the holidays were like after losing my sister in July of 2007; they weren’t festive but they weren’t like reliving her funeral over & over again as they are now. Now, that my brother committed suicide. It cannot be because we loved her less — it must be because his is so recent, right?
We have our tree up and are establishing new traditions with hopes to help ME, yea me, get back to living again yet here I lay in my bed at 2 pm crying alone. Am I manically depressed person? Do I need more meds? Do I need locked-up? Or, is this NORMAL considering what I’ve been through my ENTIRE life?!
My mom, my mom, my mom … I love her so yet she doesn’t feel as if OUR home can be hers (she doesn’t speak it, as her daughter I feel it). I pain for her so greatly it consumes me!
EVERY SINGLE DAY I CRY AND SCREAM IN PRAYER TO GOD TO NOT TAKE ANYONE AWAY FROM ME TODAY! I cannot find ‘how’ to live my life without that kind of fear anymore! Lord, I miss being a young child (despite I had already lost my dad).
The few close friends I have left have FOUGHT to be just that, my friends! They’ve NEVER given-up on me! They’ve never made FUN of me! They’ve listened patiently, lent me a shoulder or ear to cry, they’ve been there — I LOVE YOU GUYS, you know who you are! And to think I thought that those back-stabbing, snake, liars were my ‘evils’, ah ha ha — y’all mean NOTHING in comparison to what is TRULY important in life, LIFE ITSELF (get one, might I suggest!).
I’m working my arse off, double after double after double and I’m proud of my beaten-down self. Financially, of course we need it but it’s moreso to give me a reason to ‘live’ to give me a reason to see ‘hope’ to give me a reason to get ‘out’!
Yet, I live my days SCARED AS HELL!
Wishin’ this would stop. Wishin’ I could have my memory erased, sadly enough. I just want to SMILE AND LAUGH GENUINELY AGAIN! I want to hug because I just want to, not because it’s to hold myself up!
And my poor sons … my talented, brillant, excellently behaved young men … pains me to watch them see their mom, a FRACTION of herself, struggling and bouncing around with emotions! Poor guys, they’re probably petrified of marriage … marrying a female like their mom … surely they know I’m NOT normal, this life I’m living is NOT a NORMAL one and that most have joy to celebrate!
I miss the time when I was an angel beside the Lil’ Drummer Boy in our school’s play! I miss choraling alongside my friends going door-to-door and the look on the residents’ faces as few continued that tradition even back then! I miss smiling when I see ornamental decor throughout the land! But mostly, I miss looking forward to the future! All I’ve in front of me is the impending death of my mom, my ill and LAST LIVING SIBLING brother’s health, my sons flying the coop, my husband working endless hours, and a bed that calls my name more than anyone else does!
Yea, this is a ‘woe is me’ blog … but ya know, I feel it’s just deserved! ANYONE who’s endured what I have and NOT feel this way, has to be the strongest person ever! I bow down to you!!!!
*Have you hugged your loved ones today?*